Way O/T: Your morning humor column Options

[trackbird]

Possibly the most irrelevant thing I've ever posted, but I know many here will truly understand (and a few won't).



http://www.herald-mail.com/?cmd=displaysto...amp;format=html

Price of goats dropping with grip on reality

May 21, 2009

Beth tells prospective customers that our three baby Toggenburg goats “will never be cheaper than they are today.” I suspect the reason is because, if we keep them around much longer, we will be so deeply insane that money will be of little comfort.

Every morning at 6, I open the door to their quarters, and a pile of goats falls out on my feet in a tangle of flailing legs, ears and noses, borne of the fact that they have all been leaning heavily against the impediment in wait for their morning bottles.

This noisy goat wad has to be painstakingly untangled before breakfast can commence, but they do not seem to realize that they are contributing to the delay. Once separated, they launch themselves at their bottles with imperfect accuracy — more than once, the collision has sent a stream of warm goat milk straight into my eye which, take it from me, is not the Kellogg’s best-to-you-each-morning way to start a new day.

The littlest kid — Abbie — is the biggest pig and the biggest pain. She always finishes first, then proceeds to attack her brother Alvin and cousin Nick, trying to hog an extra gulp or two. Her preferred launch site for the invasion is from the top of my head where she has climbed (while I am still trying to feed Nick) in anticipation of a tactical air strike.

By this time, Alvin has finished and has draped himself around Beth’s neck like a mink stole, until he realizes there are hijinks afoot, at which point he happily joins the Nick-Abbie bottle wrestle. Feeding these monsters pretty much leaves us exhausted, at 6:05 a.m.

But the kids are just getting warmed up.

We leave them in their shed while we go milk their mothers, and the noise they make in our absence can best be described as that of a Civil War re-enactment in the middle of a thunderstorm. We can hear multiple crashes and pounding. We do not know what they are doing, and we do not want to know. The revolutions of Europe may have been more productive, but they couldn’t have been as loud.

Needless to say, at several points during the day we need to let them out to burn some excess energy. Mainly, they follow me around as I do the chores, which is a bit like having an audience of hyperactive gymnasts doing cartwheels and backflips through your work and destroying any chance of progress.

The happy little elves like to help me clean the horse stalls. The first time went along well enough, until Alvin decided to jump into the muck bucket. After about .02 seconds, he figured out that this was really a place he Did Not Want To Be, so he tried to extract himself post haste. He had landed in the bucket upside down, so he engaged in some goat version of the backstroke.

The result — well, never mind the result, I’ll just say that the next time I need to fertilize the pastures, I won’t bother with a manure spreader; I’ll just fill a big tub up with poo and throw a goat in it.

Struggling mightily, he was halfway out of the bucket when hapless Abbie wandered past. Alvin was struck by a clear case of mission-creep. If he could get out of the bucket AND destroy his sister with the same move, well that would be about the best day a baby goat could ever have.

And he did it, too. Or was about to, when the goat-missile Nick came flying into the party unannounced, crashing into Alvin, who careened into Abbie, and sending both sprawling — effectively picking up the spare.

This is only a small slice of what goes on all day. There’s more, of course. But it is enough to explain why, from the moment they were born, the price of goats has continued to come down.





Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324, or by e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com. Tune in to the Rowland Rant video at www.herald-mail.com, on antpod.com or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 evenings at 6:30. New episodes are released every Wednesday.
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Tim Rowland

[Rob Hood]

Now that's funny...I don't care who you are!

[jeffburch]

(IMG:http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3021/3045414493_24cfee378d_o.jpg)
It's in the way you dress. The way you boogie down. The way you sign your unemployment check. You're a man who likes to do things your own way. And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want it in your car. It's that special feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road ahead meandering with possibilities. The kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.


All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.
We've subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you'll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter. Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $1800 per week in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.


Even with increased performance we didn't skimp on safety. With 11-point passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey helmet, you'll have the security knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision even if the GTxi SS/Rt were capable of that kind of illegal speed.
But the changes don't stop there. Sporty mag-style hubcaps and an all-new aggressive wedge shape designed by CM's Chief Stylist slices through the wind like an omnibus spending bill. It even features an airtight undercarriage to keep you and a passenger afloat up to 15 minutes -- even in the choppy waters of a Cape Cod inlet. Available a rainbow of color choices to match any wardrobe, from Harvest Avocado to French Mustard.


Inside, a luxurious all-velour interior designed by Barney Frank features thoughtful appointments like in-dash condom dispenser and detachable vibrating shift knob. A special high capacity hatchback holds up to 300 aluminum cans, meaning fewer trips to the redemption center. And the standard 3 speaker Fairness ActoPhonic FM low-band sound system means you'll never miss a segment of NPR again.
Best of all, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt is made right here in the U.S.A. by fully card-checked unionized workers and Detroit's famous visionary jet-set managers. Even if you don't own one, you can enjoy the patriotic satisfaction that you're supporting the high wages, good benefits, and generous political donations that are once again making the American car industry the envy of the world.


But why not buy one anyway? With an MSRP starting at only $629,999.99, it's affordable too. Don't forget to ask about dealer incentives, rebates, tax credits, and wealth redistribution plans for customers from dozens of qualifying special interest groups. Plus easy-pay financing programs from Fannie Mae.


So take the bus to your local CM dealer today and find out why the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the only car endorsed by President Barack Obama. One test drive will convince you that you'd choose it over the import brands. Even if they were still legal.

Plagiarized from random email.
jb

[cccbock]

Now that's funny...I don't care who you are!

OK I admit it. I get the Pelosi (still laughing), but not the goats.

Slowing down in my old age.

bock

[trackbird]

Now that's funny...I don't care who you are!

OK I admit it. I get the Pelosi (still laughing), but not the goats.

Slowing down in my old age.

bock

You've apparently never been around baby goats. My friend had them and we tried to cage a race car with goats running in the garage. We had to keep chasing them out because they were all lined up staring at the bright light and we didn't have goat sized welding masks. Fun stuff.

[TSHACK]

Okay side hurt now. (IMG:http://www.frrax.com/rrforum/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) both are great. gotta clean the computer screen now too (IMG:http://www.frrax.com/rrforum/style_emoticons/default/angry.gif) (IMG:http://www.frrax.com/rrforum/style_emoticons/default/lmao.gif) .