Last July, I lost my brother and 4 months later my step father passed away.

My mom, had to be moved into a nursing facility 6 months ago because of her alzheimer's disease.

She still recognizes me, but it's a battle each time I visit her. She thinks she is living in a pick up truck, in a grocery store parking lot and begs me to take her home.

It broke my heart to commit her to a nursing facility even though I know she is getting a lot better care than I could ever give her.

It's worse seeing her deteriorate at an alarming pace. Each visit, her mental condition is significantly worse

Talking with her psychiatrist tells me to visit as often as I want, but that she will become more and more agitated and upset when I do. According to her local case worker, she does just fine in her daily routine. But when me or my wife visits, she is a handful for a while, many times requiring sedation.

I'm torn between my obligation to care for her and see after her and letting her go. She's not the same person. It's the same soul, but not the same person.

Thanks for letting me rant ...

sorry for you internal struggle... seems pretty hard to deal with it.
wish you the best wisdom and strength to get over this hurdle.
Just remember you are feeling this way because of your love towards her, and the love you put into making the best for her is what counts in the end.
Good luck !

That's rough. I am thankful my Dad passed away before his Alzheimer's got too bad. My Grandpa was not so lucky, he ended up in a locked facility.

This afternoon was particularly hard.

Wow Mitch you've had a rough year. I'm truly sorry to hear of your struggles. Hang in there. If you don't mind I would like to add you to my home bible group's prayer list please let me know if that is ok with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you in what will no doubt be an increasingly difficult situation.

Mitch, sorry to hear about your rough year. I know it is more difficult than words can say....but I hope it gets better for you and your family VERY soon!

That would be fantastic. I'm a strong believer in the power of prayer.

All, I'm better today after getting a few hours sleep. Like I said earlier, yesterday was particularly difficult to witness.

I'm sure a time will come when she won't recognize who I am.

Thinking with a clearer head, I have to ask, am I visiting for HER benefit or mine?

I can process these emotions and put them in their proper place. Mom can't.

My Dad passed away in 2000, rather quickly, from that demon cancer. It's the suffering I hate to witness.



Then you know the emotional roller coaster I'm on.

I appreciate your sharing that Julie.

<----sending a little prayer up for you and your family. God bless.

My grandfather battled with Alzheimer's for about 5 years. I'm not sure they considered it to be Alzheimer's for all of that time. I watched him get progressively worse over the years and watched my poor grandmother "killing herself" to take care of him.

I remember seeing him at my sisters wedding, we had pictures taken together. Later that night I was told that he was asking where I was and why I didn't show up that day for the wedding (apparently slightly agitated)...... That was about 4 years before he passed away. It got worse from there.

Sorry to hear of your mothers condition Mitch. It's a tough call to decide when it's time to "quit", not that you want to, but for her own good. I can't tell you when that will be, but I'd suggest going in and talking with the staff or her doctor about it. Let them know that you wish to keep coming to visit, but you realize the problems it causes and see what they say. Of course you'll have to make that decision based on when you think you can finally handle not going to visit.

It's a tough situation that will really test your character. Good luck my friend.

Hang in there Mitch. We just lost my Grandmother a couple months ago after only a couple of years of pretty bad Alzheimers, so I sort of understand your struggle, but not as close to home.

I personally could not go and see her often and I explained it to my Mom that I had already considered her gone. That person was not my Grandma.

Keep your chin up and remember the good times.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hang in there Mitch. I know it’s difficult to see a loved one deteriorate, My mother in-law is losing a battle with Cancer. Just keep in mind the good times you had with your Mom. Don't second guess your actions, do what you feel in your heart.

Mitch, I'm very fortunate to know you as an good friend and great father to your wife and kids. I can only image how much you care for your mother, and the pain you are going through. Prayers sent for you and your family. Best Wishes my friend!

Teddy

Mitch,

Can empathize with your experience. We have been dealing with a similar set of circumstances with my wife's Mom for the past 10 years. It never gets any easier. I can't presume to know all the specifics of your personal set of circumstances, but i can tell you that you need to try to be objective about the realities of this type of disease. The person you are dealing with will continue to look and sound like the person you've known, but the disease will cause changes that no amount of love or logic will resolve. The reality that you live in and the altered reality of your Mom's disease are virtually impossible to reconcile. For as difficult as it may be, you need to try to be objective about the harsh realities of the situation.

For as much as we want to believe that our words and thoughts are consciously chosen, a good bit of what happens in situations like this is more a matter of chemistry than consience. Love the person that you knew before the disease. Try to accept that the person you knew has changed or in large measure has disappeared due to a process that neither you nor she can choose or control. If letting her be at ease without your visiting is more comfortable for her, realize that there is nothing to be guilty or ashamed about in letting her be at relative peace without you. No one. and I mean NO ONE has any right to judge how you choose to deal with this.

My hope is that you do not allow yourself to be a tangential victim of this hugely unfair disease. People matter because of how they've influenced our lives, not for how long they influence them. I hope you can find your own path to peace.

Dennis

Hang in there Mitch.
I love you man!

jb

Teddy ... you always seem to pop in at the most oppurtune time. Thanks for those words.

Jeff, you have no idea what a comfort you have been this year. I cannot express in words the heartfelt "thank you" I feel for you and Bev.

Dennis ... OMG!

What can I say but thank you so much for sharing that with me and those that might read this. Those are truly words of comfort and uplifted my spirit. You have penned exactly what my head has been saying and my heart has been trying to ignore. After I posted this, I thought what a stupid, pitiful thing to post. I'm glad I didn't now.

While cancer is a terrible, terrible disease, this is one is just as cruel, if not more so.

I don't check this forum often but something drew me to it tonight.

Dang Mitch...sorry for the struggle. Stay with your Mom as much as you can. The right people (including God) will know of your efforts.

I had to deal with the loss of my grandmother (dad's mom) and my mother-in-law, both happening while I was deployed and unable to return home in time for either funeral. My grandmother had Alzheimers and Osteoperosis, and she could barely recognize anyone except my Dad towards the end. Since she was the only grandparent I really knew it was a pretty tough loss all around. My wife really struggled with running the house while I was gone and going to visit her Mom in either the hospital or her home nearly every day for about 3 months until she died.

Like others have said, remember the good times, and make sure they get passed along. That's what truly makes someone memorable.

Rob

For those that don't know, Teddy and I have known each other for almost 10 yers now. We met through that demon LS1.com board.

Mitch, I thankfully cannot relate to your pain and struggles. Please feel free to lean on me anytime, as a local brother to you.

Mitch helped me lower my Z28 a long time ago. What a dangerous job that was. I still remember him saying that day I almost killed myself. Then he explained how he tried to take off the top nut without compressing the front spring. Then later on one of the spring compressing tools failed with metal fatigue and shot pieces throughout the Warren Complex. I was very grateful that day for Mitch's help.

Sorry to hear about your continued troubles mitch. Your mother is really lucky that she has somone to consider what is best for her even when the discisions are hard to make. It's hard to not be selfish in these times

I will keep you and your family in my prayers Mitch. I had just gone through losing my mom, it's a tough deal. But, as what you're doing now, talking to friends and families help ease the pains.

God Bless,
Aria

Well, whatever you do, don't dwell on feelings of guilt. Do whatever you think is right, and if taking a break for a while is right, than you're right. If continuing to visit is what you think is right, than it's right. Just don't beat yourself up over anything now or in the future.

My worst fear ...

My wife and I nutured my Dad during his final weeks and we did the same for my step father.

Mitch, you and your family are in my prayers.

You're doing the best you can do, for her.

And it sounds like you know what's best for her, as counter-intuitive as it might seem.

You've had a lot happen, in a short time.