[mitchntx]

Last July, I lost my brother and 4 months later my step father passed away.

My mom, had to be moved into a nursing facility 6 months ago because of her alzheimer's disease.

She still recognizes me, but it's a battle each time I visit her. She thinks she is living in a pick up truck, in a grocery store parking lot and begs me to take her home.

It broke my heart to commit her to a nursing facility even though I know she is getting a lot better care than I could ever give her.

It's worse seeing her deteriorate at an alarming pace. Each visit, her mental condition is significantly worse

Talking with her psychiatrist tells me to visit as often as I want, but that she will become more and more agitated and upset when I do. According to her local case worker, she does just fine in her daily routine. But when me or my wife visits, she is a handful for a while, many times requiring sedation.

I'm torn between my obligation to care for her and see after her and letting her go. She's not the same person. It's the same soul, but not the same person.

Thanks for letting me rant ...

[jensend]

Mitch,

Can empathize with your experience. We have been dealing with a similar set of circumstances with my wife's Mom for the past 10 years. It never gets any easier. I can't presume to know all the specifics of your personal set of circumstances, but i can tell you that you need to try to be objective about the realities of this type of disease. The person you are dealing with will continue to look and sound like the person you've known, but the disease will cause changes that no amount of love or logic will resolve. The reality that you live in and the altered reality of your Mom's disease are virtually impossible to reconcile. For as difficult as it may be, you need to try to be objective about the harsh realities of the situation.

For as much as we want to believe that our words and thoughts are consciously chosen, a good bit of what happens in situations like this is more a matter of chemistry than consience. Love the person that you knew before the disease. Try to accept that the person you knew has changed or in large measure has disappeared due to a process that neither you nor she can choose or control. If letting her be at ease without your visiting is more comfortable for her, realize that there is nothing to be guilty or ashamed about in letting her be at relative peace without you. No one. and I mean NO ONE has any right to judge how you choose to deal with this.

My hope is that you do not allow yourself to be a tangential victim of this hugely unfair disease. People matter because of how they've influenced our lives, not for how long they influence them. I hope you can find your own path to peace.

Dennis